It’s our home away from home, it’s our castle in the sand, it’s our pillow on drunken nights, it’s where we do a shit. The toilet, in my honest opinion, is the most important piece of furniture in the house and has had the better hand of bringing me up from childhood. From it’s calming flush to the swirl of water around the bowl, not to mention the rush of visiting a public restroom and studying the facilities like some sort of janitorial Sherlock Holmes.
It’s because of this, that it is my greatest pleasure to present to you my Top Ten Videogame Toilets of all time!
10. Portal
A nice one to start us off. If there’s ever been a toilet easier on the eyes, I’d like to see it. When I woke up in Portal I wondered where I was, what was going on, and just what the hell I was doing there. But the sight of that curved shiny porcelain bowl made me feel content and safe. If only GlaDOS had provided the cell with a newspaper, I could happily sit down, whistle a merry tune and do my business in peace.
9. Bioshock Infinite
Among the superpowers, the crazy guns and the old timey racism, the one thing that genuinely surprised me in Bioshock Infinite was a potato floating in a reasonably clean toilet. Astounding even more amazement I found that if you eat the potato it regains your health. It doesn’t make you sick, it doesn’t give you some sort of tummy ache, it doesn’t put any social stigma upon you, it regains your health…
8. Duke Nukem Forever
Who doesn’t love a catchy guitar riff in the background as you take a wee. And what man can deny the feeling, a swell of ego as they stand up aiming their powerful stream directly into the centre of the bowl feeling like a god. The toilets in Duke Nukem games have always been a happy little extra providing some fun one-off laughs in nearly every instalment in the franchise. You can also pick up the leftover floaters left in the stalls which is always nice.
7. Silent Hill 3
The Silent Hill series is rife with bloody toilets. I’ve yet to find a game with bloodier toilets. If they made a game called ‘Bloody Toilet’ it would not surpass these games. Silent Hill 3 sets the precedent for the bloodiest toilet in videogames in my opinion. Not much to say about it really….there’s a lot of blood. A LOT of blood. Like I hope someone was murdered in this stall because I’d rather have it spill from my neck than flow from my arse.
6. Heavy Rain
Never have I felt so many emotions in a bathroom setting. I could make a top five of the bathrooms from this game but I could never put any at the bottom because they’re all so good. Yes, the whole kidnapped son, hunting the killer stuff was pretty fun but those moments where you just needed to go potty, those moments really hit home for me. I teared up when Shelby had to go, I knew he needed it really bad. The need for pee just does not stop in Heavy Rain as every character you play has the opportunity to visit the bathroom to relieve themselves, truly a touch of realism from David Cage.
5. Legend Of Zelda: Majora’s Mask
We’ve all had that dream of something coming out from the toilet-hole, taking advantage of us when we’re most vulnerable, when we’ve nothing to defend ourselves. When you think of The Legend Of Zelda: Majora’s Mask, you don’t immediately think of toilets. Well, one of the most memorable points in the series for me was when a grimy, green arm climbed out of the toilet bowl uttering “Pa-pa-pa-paper please” If I wasn’t screaming at the top of my voice, I would’ve heard his cry and ripped him a sheet, though by the size of the hand I imagine one sheet wouldn’t be enough to wipe his entire rear end.
4. Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons Of Liberty
In Metal Gear Solid 2, Raiden had a big task ahead of him and it’s only natural to feel the need to relieve yourself of some of that pressure. If Raiden relieves himself in the mens toilets and calls either Campbell or Rose, you can hear his grunts as he pushes the easter egg out of his system. Similarly if you enter the ladies toilets (probably clean as a whistle) you will be scolded for being a pervert.
3. Banjo Kazooie
There’s something quite unnerving about shitting into a talking toilet. Does he taste it? Can he smell it? Does he even know what he’s ingesting? Loggo was a crucial part of the Banjo Kazooie adventure, providing players the opportunity to flush down his pipes and hop through a grimy, feces-infested pipe. I don’t know who I feel more sorry for, Loggo for flushing our waste down his theoretical throat or the weird snake creatures living below that chomp at whatever came down the chute.
2. No More Heroes
Suda 51, the creator of No More Heroes has been quoted as saying that he comes up with his best ideas on the John. Is there a more fitting toilet to bring in number 2. What better reason is there to visit a digital toilet than to “drop a nice save?” as Travis Touchdown so elegantly puts as he shuts the door ready to do his dirty work. You know you’ve got a good toilet when the player insists on dropping saves every 30 minutes.
1. Your Toilet
While technically not a videogame toilet, it is certainly the only toilet that really matters. The one we can all find refuse in, depositing our bubbly mix of doritos and mountain dew into the bowl like a disgusting trifle.
While all of these other toilets bring something unique, something fresh and something different to the bathroom, they will never beat the feeling of stretching your legs after hours in a chair, stepping onto cold tiles with a heavy behind and feeling like a king on their porcelain throne.